Did you watch Super Bowl LIII? Oh, you didn’t? Lucky you!

I had the “joy” of sitting through about four hours of a dumpster fire that was the Super Bowl. Every aspect of the event was drab. Even rivaling Super Bowl 50, where I witnessed the Panthers snatch defeat from the jaws of victory. Here’s a breakdown of the absolute misery that ensued for me on Sunday night.

The Game

How about a halftime score of 3-0? Or a game with a combined score of 16 points? That was Super Bowl LIII in a nutshell. The Rams’ offense never made the trip to Atlanta and the Patriots were not much better. Heck, even Tom Brady didn’t play his best game, as he threw several incompletions and one interception. Even Stephen Gostkowski, arguably one of the best kickers in the NFL, missed a field goal. But hey, at least the Rams’ Johnny Hekker made headlines – for booting a Super Bowl record 65-yard punt. 🤷🏼‍♂️

The Commercials

If nothing else, I hoped the commercials would be good. Those, too, were a letdown. My only favorite being this one from Audi.

The Halftime Show

Good Lord, where do I begin? For starters, I detest Maroon 5, so I already had a similar attitude to when Belle dealt with Gaston in the OG Beauty and the Beast.

Anywho, the main reason I gave the halftime show a millisecond of my time was the hope that Spongebob Squarepants would be included. If you didn’t know, there was a campaign to get Spongebob and his Bikini Bottom friends an appearance at the “biggest concert of the year” as a tribute to the show’s creator, Stephen Hillenburg, who died from complications with ALS in 2018.

In an episode of Spongebob entitled “Band Geeks,” the Bikini Bottom crew starts a band with Squidward as director. The band is horrible at first (I mean, Patrick wonders if mayonnaise is an instrument) but ends up playing in the “Bubble Bowl” which is the equivalent to the Super Bowl. From there, one of the most iconic Spongebob moments ensues.

What we got at Sunday’s halftime show was nothing even close to this. It was a five second blip of Squidward introducing rapper Travis Scott (not even the actual scene from the episode, mind you), who then proceeded to perform his profanity-laced hit “Sicko Mode.” Many fans, including yours truly, ripped the bathroom break-worthy halftime show, Nickelodeon, and Maroon 5. In my view, it was a bait and switch. A complete disservice to the fans who worked to get Spongebob in the halftime show and Hillenburg’s memory. I know he rolled over in his grave after seeing that travesty.

In the end, the Patriots won yet another Super Bowl title (cue the Bell and Gaston GIF I used earlier). I mean, seriously, does that franchise ever get tired of winning? I guess not but, you know, the Durham Bulls had six league championships before the Patriots. In that case, my hometown baseball club still reigns supreme. Here’s hoping that Super Bowl LIV will be better.